Little Life, Little Death

by As Gideon Weeps

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about

June 4th, 2015

Little Life, Little Death

take me back to the layer cake sky
found at the bench at the end of the world
settled blood
had brought us there
from The Great Death

buildings are tall, the drugs aren’t weak
I tried to recreate the peace to lose a piece when
blight blissed me behind blister blue light
it kissed me and I thought "this must be it"
endlessly, not infinite

there was a holy mountain by concrete reef
there was a rock I could call my home
there was a home I could call my rock
cuts began to appear, images too sharp
now I walk to find a place with not a single bad memory
and end up in places I can't return to

pumping blood has brought me here
from all your little deaths
that you lived yourself little to die
a death to breathe a breath
that becomes dead to me

I am waiting to be lead
where tragedy seems to lead
has my eyesight just been burnt to light
to find a darker dawn?

not to be confused, or to be confused
every line as much about love as it is about hate
every note as hopeless as it is hopeful
write your words, too personal to relate
during the moments you can't recreate
or would ever want to
and ask
"what did I trace on the wall when I wasn’t awake?"

credits

released 04 June 2015

nich farrell - lyrics, music, recording
"doctor" gen tennaka - additional guitar on "thirst is all our curse", "concrete reef" "jericho" and bonus track "today I woke up the birds"
slucas - additional guitar on bonus track "today I woke up the birds"
josh arbo - for his Roland 606 on "thirst is all our curse" and additional recording/mixing on bonus tracks "split lips" & "halos for hollows"
alysa osbourne - album cover

shout out and thanks to all my homies, teachers, and family for putting up with my nonsense.

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Track Name: we. belong. together.
we. belong. together.

lopsided splintering bone
twisting twine into the center
wrinkles time and your face
you’ve done more than just age

circle scar on my arm
match oval ink for faded friend
a wrist you can’t unlock
scrapes with keys but never knocks

live in a body, not yours
choose a name, and never grow up
I’ll mouth the words on your lips
“I hope this is all you get”

cry for cysts that don’t exist
mark a man and start a martyr
just say again that you’ve changed
shed a skin again, baby

(never gonna get out of this one
you’re the cure and cause to all my problems)

your split tongue fits between
my split lip
perfectly
oh

we



belong



together
Track Name: twenty five eyes
twenty five eyes

over bridges, underwhelmed
huddled in a mass in a passenger seat
looking through looking glass
there only old sights crying new tears
reflecting things that aren’t true
tricking the difference in distance in lights
with a chemical, kicked in skull
but it’s effects are just facts
I am just freezing in a car
floating through a beauty I can not care for
I recognize it, but it has no impact

this isn’t like the last time
where we clung to the gum trees
sucked in by the thick & syrupy maple leaves
seeing how the sun makes the earth bend
with a new glimmer in blades of light
make the world bleed a different way
and even when it set
we still saw the brightest in silhouettes

but this time I leave to crawl under my bed
I can’t rest in a restless place
wrapped in warping world
broken things sober me
so many lines..
too many lines..
there are twelve on each side
and I dwell on the center eye

say the phrase
until they’ve left the head
curse exhaustion
for sunken bed
pen the nonsense
in frantic faded ink
less like words
they come up like drinks
and it’s only been a week..
one goddamn week
how am I suppose to last another?
what about after that?

old friends you can’t see the change of
new ones you define
come and save me
I’ll thank you for knowing how wrong I can be
offering no answers
rhetoric in silence
standing on the walls
warming them orange
distracts me
soon,
a laugh
how quickly the mood can change

a single tree ring for the time that has past
laying petrified at our feet
winding within words we learn so much more
than we thought we could
with interest we didn’t know we could muster
in the musty night by circle stones
I count of circle scars
and think oval ink and broken pens
lonely looks for lonely lune
how quick the mood can change back..

the last time I was here
(besides when I spilt all that water
and seized the term “seizure” to excuse myself)
it was a night of a similar chill & shade
I saw clenched heads for death
until the mourning
irrational lashes
knowing very well
we could never understand
now I am clenching my chest
hoping for the same conclusion
and for it to be genuine
but it feels like an intruder
in a house it was invited in

to decaying land we built iron bridges
the fire just licked it clean, shinier & stubborn
a single band slid down my finger
as I gently lay it across another
as time finds me a binded wrist
I still say again
“I hope the next year isn’t as tiring as this”

if I know I knew nothing then
is it safe to assume I know nothing now then?

I thought “I’m lost”
while looking at the North Star
Track Name: thirst is all our curse
thirst is all our curse

I’ve been giving you my money
for some food to keep me fed
well again now, I am starving
do you think I could have it back?

and I’ve been spending oh so many nights
laying wasted in my bed
well I’m still so tired, Lord
do you think I could have them back?

thirst is all our curse
now you see
we'll never be free
to feel or think
thirst is all our curse
Oh, Eve,
why’d you make me so thirsty?

I’ve been giving you my hard earned
for some dope to keep me smiling
well ain’t high no more
do you think I could have some more?

and I’ve been giving you my heart
thinking I would get yours back
well my bloods starting to settle, love
do you think I could have mine back?

thirst is all our curse
now you see
we'll never be free
to feel or think
thirst is all our curse
Oh, Eve,
why’d you make me so thirsty?

you’d drink more anyway
because your time’s all like a cylinder
you drink more everyday
because you’re tired
and you can’t get away
you’d drink more anyway
because your times all like a cylinder
when you get up to piss
why don’t you piss another drink?

thirst is all our curse
Track Name: come back cold
come back cold


the tongues a rope
I spoke too beige
thin words all braided
around my wrist
the guilt gripped the peg on my back
when I was asleep and started to laugh

Iris leaks
my history blurs
she crushed my hand mid-ouija trace
I awoke and saw her face
my hazel in all her white
horrified by what she thought I’d write

trust just makes it so much easier to lie
life just makes it so much easier to die

strain the screen
of the room you said you wouldn’t be
you’ll come back cold
and steal my warmth

dam the tears with the logs in our eyes
there were no words there were only lines
all my hazel in her white
horrified by what she thought I’d write

trust just makes it so much easier to lie
the same way
life just makes it so much easier to die
Track Name: concrete reef
concrete reef

bottles are clear
glasses to see
handles for grip
I get more free
& less neat
fess up
drain cups
for there’s nothing
you can’t do
with wine and conceit..

mouth all the ice
to slip of the tongue
secrets aren’t secret
when your brain is numb
oh my God
is that what it means?
if I swallow the world
will it revolve around me?

I will not quit
I won’t stop craving it
I won’t
I will not cease
I will not cease
’til theres not blood in the sea
that’s how we live out here on concrete reef

I once knew a boy
who looked for the shore
he only looked to get the liquor store
hows that?
follow water to wine
I skipped all the steps
I learnt from the best!

more comfortable in lies
safer in other’s skin
unhinge our minds
our minds are unhinged
that’s we live out here on concrete reef
Track Name: you cut my hair, I shaved my head
you cut my hair, I shaved my head

you’re far too close for comfort now
yet far too far to do anything about it
you cut my hair, so I shaved my head
I will not lay to waste inside your images

well you took my money
took sweet relief
took my body
and my blood
like a communion piece
told me I was strong
when I was getting weaker
told me I was wrong
when I had the answer
so I kept my quiet
that’s all I’d left
but you sour silence
spoke me bitter inside of it
I was all alleged
wrapped in fabrications
without a word
my name is stained
from your becoming

even when you’re gone
you’re still here
in the other room
collecting all my fears
tasting all my friends
that you’d spit out
ignoring all
of my banishment counts

then you held yourself
hostage from me
in a bloody dress
you made me
bandage your wounds
with the scissor arm
around my ear
you ask
“are you scared of me?”
don’t you know?
don’t you know of course I am

singing ouroboros at the mint
for many years, did we really kiss
or was I just a tail? just a tale?
singing ouroboros at the mint
for many years, did we really kiss
or was I just a tail? hell!
I was living it
but you’re far too close (the worst I've ever felt)
for comfort now (was the way you wanted me)
yet far too far to do anything about it (to feel, to feel, to feel)
so you cut my hair? (the worst I’ve ever felt)
so I shaved my head! (was the way you wanted me)
I will not lay to waste in your false image (to feel, to feel, to feel)
Track Name: a morning, a song
a morning, a song

today I swallowed my fear
on a blank piece of paper
stayed up until the sun rose
and believed cast no shadow

today I woke up the birds
robbed a robin of it’s first song
and I know where all my friends are
I know where all my friends are..

-

today I reclaimed my land
felt warm outside my window
stood on top a tree stump
felt safe out in the open

today I finally thawed out
the chill in my spine
and I know where all my friends are
yeah I know where all my friends are..
Track Name: hercules
hercules

we stand between two door
shivering under the warm light
in bleary eyed black & blue
pick the other, I ask of you
but what am I to do
when a lie is warmer than the truth?

though it may seem like more loneliness
I promise the other holds a lioness
with thorns and scars up and down her legs
in a mirror shape to draw you in
but what am I to do
when a lie is warmer than the truth?

if you walk on through
to see if you can make it
closer to the sun
just know, the best it’s gonna be
is never gonna be better than it was
if you walked all the steps
it took for me to get
to stand here in front of you
we would be somewhere else
some place better
some place new

imminent dismission of a soul
pushed too far out
experience null
and I am no Hercules
and I can do no more

you’ll flip through your notebook
words too spread out to find another thought
and you’ll read about
her cello bow, fork tongue, twined
around your spine
you’ll know I’m right
that you are no Hercules
and her heads will grow
you are no Hercules
and you’ll always know

if you walk on through
to see if you can make it
closer to the sun
just know, the best it’s gonna be
is never gonna be better than it was
if you walked all the steps
it took for me to get
to stand in front of you
we would be somewhere else
some place better
some place new

you are no Hercules
even with no sword
you are no Hercules
even if you get bored
Track Name: jericho
jericho

I should be looking down right now
but I stare on into mirages
there’s an ocean wave amongst the dunes
when my eyes became dry ice

the sun set six, the sun set six tonight
blind faith, blind rage, are all so binding
will you blow the ram’s horn tonight
and break all that I have built?

if I fell down
would you stop walking around me?
and just lay down
and let an end
remain an end?
if I fell down
would you stop walking around me?
and just lay down
and let a friend
remain a friend?

but the strongest steels are always tested
the bravest blood is always spilt
the safest place is always hunted
what is it about walls that make you people want to break them?

you’re the cultured diamond
on the ring you’ve walked
will you spare me
if I give you a son?
for I was an empty suit of armor
and you need something now to keep you safe

now I've fell down
so would you stop walking around me?
and just lay down
and let an end
remain an end?

the strongest steels are always tested
the bravest blood is always spilt
the safest place is always hunted
what is it about walls that make you people want to break them?

I’ve been confusing angels for vultures
I’ve been confusing halos for hollows
the heats been seeping in my head for days for days
the heats been seeping in my brain, my brain, my brain
the heats getting to my brain, my heart, my head, my days
Track Name: "this must be it"
"this must be it"

endless steps to horizon lines
I reached the edge, but kept my stride
and tried to stand on the point focus
I lost it all and I almost didn’t notice
but I had to let it steam..
I am a lipid lid..
no one thinks that I get angry!
no one ever thinks of me..
when you look up
you can’t look down
to see you’re walking
on unknown ground
she talked me in, I talked her out
she taught you sin & showed you how
the apple taste so sweet
you could have it all
but I swear
it just makes you hungry
when you’ve never known you could starve
but would you live
a tiny life to die a tiny death?
oh, would you make
yourself so small
you’d fit in anything at all?

my skin was worn ’til it was thin
then it was torn twice, and again
can’t let you go inside the ruse
so I spoke two doors for you to choose
well it’s been so dark, the lies so light
my heart is so heavy, you think me spitting spite
I am no thorn stuck in her paw
all you see is the base of a pawn
I just forbade the fruit
saw the hunger in your eyes
oh I butchered my bed!
shit this schism when I said
“I don’t want you around here no more!”
would you live a tiny life
to die a tiny death?
oh, would you make yourself so small
you’d fit in anything?

love is so easy to fake
when no one knows what the fuck it is
again and again I’ll think “this must be it”
and excuse all of your fucking shit
love is so easy to fake
because you don’t know what the fuck it is
again, again, you think “this must be it”
but there’s no way it’d start like this
love is not a fucking choice
but it can be a simple trick
and I have promised that this is all it is
so don’t you think “this must be it”
love is not a fucking choice
we’re far too young for it to have this much worth
no matter how far I see through your eyes
there's no way I’ll ever think your choice is right
love is so easy to fake
when none of us no what it is
again, again I’ll think “this must be it”
and excuse all of your fucking shit
there’s no way that this is it
there’s no way that this is it
no way that this is it
no way it’d start like this
no way that this is it
no way it’d start like this
no way that this is it
no way it’d start like this
no way that this is it
Track Name: a dream, I can't recall
a dream, I can’t recall

fold the raven lungs up into swans
to exhale the doves, still sung a sparrow song
the head will spin, again and again
all the way around and it thinks
“I can see it all”

wake up too slowly
to remember what would
make it make sense
since I sit on it
until it’s all too cryptic
gradient white
until not even the tar remains
there was never any aviary
there was never any sanctuary
the birds were just blurs
and were not how they seemed
the notes that they’d sing
would loop and resonate
but were never actually heard
all is all is a backdrop
with a back that just drops

rehearse the moments
once again, and again
die in all the dialogue
still brushing the onion skin, again
the eyes start to wade
it begins, again
my sweet green tracer
my beloved, eraser
spin my head around, again and again
and I’ll think
“I can see it all”

we only exist
after the facts
a dream, I can’t recall

you only exist
where I’ve been
a dream, I can’t recall